Through It All… 3 Years Later

It will be 3 years tomorrow…

I thought it would hurt a little less each year. But it doesn’t. It’s as real today as it was then.

I’ve been balling my eyes out – walking in circles…. literally – as I’m slowly making my way around the park.

I have nothing profound to say or to share… I just miss her with every ounce of my being.




JULY 12th

She has RISEN!!

I know it’s not quite the same as when CHRIST rose from the dead – but it is truly a miracle… something no one expected would happen either.

She is unable to walk, sit on her own, or care for herself…but she is strong willed & determined.

The doctors continue to be baffled & confused that she’s still here. They are still VERY pessimistic about the final outcome. However, she’s already proven them wrong each and every day.

Her infection is under control and labs are abnormal… BUT today they are starting to move in the right direction. She is in NO WAY over this and each day has it’s own set of complications. Her complications have complications. But she is STILL here.

Yesterday she turned 49, Bud turned 48, and Mikela turned 16! It was quite the day for celebrations!

I still can’t organize my thoughts into words….but I am thankful for the way you surround & love us.

Keep believing.
Keep praying.


July 18th

Urgent Prayer Request:

The past few days have been the most difficult by far. On Tuesday night after 24 hours of un-responsiveness, we prepared to sing Lori into Heaven. We wept all night and said our goodbyes. At 5am, Scott leaned over and told her he loved her as her respirations became shallow. THEN – Out of nowhere she looked at him and said, “I love you too, Scotty”.

We were blown away. She came back to us. She was eating, talking, and coherent.

Today she should have received the next round of immunotherapy. However, she has become unresponsive yet again.

Her labs have never looked better; they truly believe the immuno is working. All is well except for one lab….her white blood cells. Her infection is back and they are afraid she’s going septic again….she will not survive if that’s the case.

We are surrounding her, loving her, singing to her, reading scripture over her, and praying that Lori will come back to us as she has time and time again.

We have given her permission to leave us and accepted that fate if it’s His Will. But every time we let go….she comes back.

It’s such an emotional rollercoaster….we have wept till there were no more tears and rejoiced with all that’s in us when she opens her eyes and looks at us.

So if it’s His will for her to live….please pray that she will not suffer and that this is not septic shock.

And if it’s His will for her to enter into His Kingdom… the prayer is the same – that she will not suffer anymore.




Unfortunately, she is not coming back to us this time. Her organs are shutting down.

Thank you for your prayers. Our family is coming together during this difficult time and it’s absolutely the hardest thing we’ve ever had to do.

I don’t know how to do this…. I don’t know how to breathe in this world without her in it. My dad can barely stand as he grieves and I’m really concerned about his health.

Please pray for her comfort and pain as she transitions out of our hands and into His.



I appreciate the prayers and messages so much. Mom and I have been reading over them as we wait. Last night we were told it would be just a few hours….then we were told it would definitely be this morning. Still we wait.

Her birthday balloons are still floating with helium. How can we celebrate life and death so closely together?

Though she’s unable to talk or move – she looks me in the eyes when I rub her face. Tears stream down her cheeks. She’s still here though so much of her is gone.

She hears us though she can’t really respond verbally she squeezes a hand or raises an eyebrow. Mainly she moans in pain.

We cannot understand how she’s still holding on… what is she waiting for.

Her lungs are slowly filling with fluid and hearing her gasp through crackled breaths is like nails on a chalkboard.

I have had so many people message me asking how I am “really” doing….. I wish I had some sort of “Godly” response of how He’s given me strength and peace.

But in full transparency I’m confused and I’m angry. I believed the miracle and if it wasn’t in His will then why let her come back from the dead time and time again? I just don’t understand.

She’s still in pain despite our best efforts and she just deserves more than that. She’s a good and faithful servant whose suffering seems so unfair.

Please pray for God to show mercy on my sister.


July 20th 

Lori left our loving arms and woke up in His at 4:45am. Surrounded by friends and family, she passed away peacefully.

I can’t put my feelings into words right now… and I don’t know how to keep breathing without her in this world….but I do know the suffering has ended.

Please keep praying peace and strength over our family as we begin to make arrangements that we pray will honor her.

Pic taken August 22nd 2018… her first chemo treatment.



Today is Gabriel’s birthday…. he is turning 12.

Gabe had an undeniable & special connection with Lori. He spent more time with her than any of my other children.

In fact, anytime he started a conversation with her… he’d greet her by saying – Hey Lolo, it’s your favorite nephew! (which often made Levi & Asher mad!)

They spoke every week through voxer. He has spent weeks/months at a time with her throughout his childhood.

She promised him last month that they would bake a cake & have their own special day together.

But he doesn’t want to celebrate today….. he said the only cake he wants is the one they were going to bake together.

Oh. My. Heart.



Every morning & evening I brushed Lori’s hair, applied moisturizer on her face, and swept her lips with her favorite raspberry flavored lip gloss.

Now when I close my eyes….I see her sweet face….I so desperately want to touch it again….

I’ve spent the past 2 days planning her Celebration of Life Service and it feels SO UNREAL….like I’m living someone else’s life.

I lost my best friend January 1st and my sister July 20th. I feel so broken….so very, very broken.

You’re in a better place,
I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times
I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken,
the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I’m still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place

Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow

I’ve never been more homesick than now

Leave a Reply

Blog at

%d bloggers like this: