For the past five years, July has been a roller-coaster of a month for my family. It’s a time filled with highs and lows, joy and sorrow. Not only does it contain the birthdays of my sister, brother, Mikela, and Gabe – – but it also holds the date we lost my sister, Lori. The mix of celebrations and painful memories makes this month particularly poignant.
These past two years, Malaya has spent the summer here, helping me lead our princess/prince therapy groups. It’s always a blast to spend every day doing His work together, creating memories and touching lives. Sadly, this year will likely be her last summer with us, as she will begin doing summer internships through her college. Her presence and assistance have been invaluable, and I will deeply miss having her by my side during this special time.
Though some of our very best ministries happen during these months, it’s not lost on me that my greatest heartaches have also occurred during this time. The juxtaposition of profound loss and meaningful ministry work is a constant reminder of the complexities of life.
Below are a few posts I made on Facebook. As we wrap up an incredible summer of ministry with long-lasting and life-changing results, we continue to covet your prayers.
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On a side note, our family has been undergoing a spiritual battle unlike anything we’ve faced before. We continually wake up to curses and animal parts hanging over our fence. This isn’t new. However, the attacks have become more intimate and personal. It’s not just our ministry that’s under attack, but my family. It’s my children. The intensity and personal nature of these attacks have been deeply unsettling.
Despite these challenges, we remain steadfast in our faith and committed to our mission. We ask for your continued prayers and support as we navigate these difficult times, striving to be His hands, feet, face, and heart in all that we do.
July 1st…
SOME days are harder than others…
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July 7th…
The hardest part is hearing my sister claim with boldness “I know my story isn’t over. My testimony of God’s healing (on earth) is going to blow everyone away.”
It would have still been difficult if she said she was ready to go… but she never once believed that was true – including the day she died.
From July 7th, 2019
As a missionary who grew up in a 3rd world country….death had always been apart of my life. I grew up watching & then eventually making … life-and-death decisions every week….sometimes every day.
When we admitted one child into our feeding program but then turned away the next child (because we were full).. only to bury them a week later – – – – that’s a life & death decision.
When the mission is down to a gallon of diesel and a newborn baby needs oxygen…. deciding whether to run the generator for the baby or save it to pump water for hundreds to drink the next morning – – – – -that’s a life & death decision.
When your surgery team is only available one week and there’s 500 people who are in urgent need of an operation – but only 120 spots open- – – that’s a life & death decision.
Choosing who to help – how to help – where to help – what to help with – when to say yes – when to say no – when to walk away – when to stand-up and fight – – – those are all life & death decisions.
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When I started my first pediatric clinic in 2001 – there were two prayers that I found myself praying over every patient.
Prayer 1: Lord, please give me the wisdom & resources to save this precious child of yours in time. May they close their eyes and wake up in their loved one’s arms.
Prayer 2: Lord, please come now. Please wrap your arms around this precious child of yours & end their needless suffering. May they close their eyes and wake up in Your arms.
Having spent the majority of my life working in the medical field, I frequently came across that “naive” family who didn’t really get how serious the situation was. I’ve watched families pray with such boldness – believing in a healing that seemed medically impossible.
I pitied them as I watched them hold onto a HOPE that defied all the odds. I thought these poor families have no clue what’s about to happen and they are going to be SO broken when they don’t get their miracle.
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Fast Forward to Friday & Saturday….
I’m watching my sister’s blood pressure drop to 50/30….I’m seeing nurses & doctors surround her with 15 IV’s, tubes galore, so many shots, and moving parts… that I can’t even believe this is happening.
I’m listening to the ER doctor tell me to call in my family right now and at the same time to continue to hold my sister’s hand and touch her as much as possible right now because it won’t be long…..
And for the first time I didn’t know which prayer to pray. Do I pray Prayer 1 or Prayer 2? Do I pray for wisdom in this moment or for God to end her suffering? WHAT DO I PRAY? And honestly…in the moment I’m so numb & mad that I’m not sure I could find any words to say anyways.
In my experience, those who have been battling a serious illness are often ready for their suffering to end. They were tired. They were sad to leave us but ready to see Jesus. They were only holding on because we needed them to….they held on for us.
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But what do you pray when it’s YOUR family member that is suffering? When the situation is so dire & so seemingly impossible… AND YET they tell you that they are NOT supposed to go now?? When they tell you that they aren’t holding on for you… but that God hasn’t released them yet from their calling??
What do you do when they speak with such boldness and clarity that their suffering serves a purpose we cannot yet understand? When they declare that they “know” their story isn’t finished?
What do you pray…. when all signs point one way and yet the heart, mind, & soul desperately cry out for more time?
What do you pray….when the doctors tell you that your sister is dying right now in your arms and yet she “somehow” defies the impossible time and time again?
What do you pray…..when the very wise medical providers are completely baffled 3 days later having NEVER seen ANYONE survive what she has survived?
How do you reconcile ALL OF THAT to yourself?
Now that I’m on the “other side” — the family of a patient in an impossible situation – instead of the medical provider… it no longer seems “naive” or silly to hold onto HOPE in the midst of the impossible. We STILL believe.
You see what I realized is that I don’t need to know which prayer to pray…. Prayer 1 or Prayer 2.
God WILL make this life & death decision for us. ONLY HE can bring the miracle we are desperate for.
At the end of the day…what I have learned after 3 of the most mind-boggling, gut-wrenching, totally confusing, & painful days….. the prayer is simply…. Thy Will Be Done.
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July 15th…
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July 19th…
Family, Friends and Prayer warriors,
Paul busted through the gates of heaven at 12:43am this morning. It was so peaceful. He opened his eyes a little and then took his last breath. Thank you to everyone who prayed for our family. Please remember, Paul DID receive a miracle. His cancer and pain is GONE. I will see him again. You will see him too, if you have surrendered your life to Jesus. Paul doesn’t want you sad. He wants you rejoicing!
Thank you all for your love, prayers and support.
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Paul has been apart of the “mission family” for over a decade.
He sponsored the first child I took into our baby orphanage in St. Louis du Nord. He also interned in the stateside headquarters. Even while leading his own church, he still found time to make trips to Haiti and help out whenever he could.
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I reached out to Paul exactly one month ago today – because I wanted to know if he was afraid. It’s something I thought about a lot during Lori‘s last moments here on earth. I took a snapshot of one of our many exchanges.
Please pray for all of his friends and family – those who were blessed enough to know him.
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July 20th…
During the last few months of my sister’s life, I journaled every detail and added all of our appointments to our shared calendar. I accidentally set them to repeat yearly. Each year, those dates would pop up, and I’d fall to pieces.
Last year, Malaya deleted all of the repeating events, so they would no longer show up as notifications. But we forgot to delete the alarm set for 4:45 am every July 20th.
I always have trouble sleeping during this time of the year so I was awake. HOWEVER, the alarm went off and woke everyone else in the room. I play white noise at night, and the alarm blared through the speaker.
Instead of crying like I usually do, I laughed hysterically as everyone else was startled and jumped out of bed. Malaya, Jose, the twins, and Asher were all sleeping in my room last night.
Malaya, half-asleep, thought it was an earthquake and was ready to leave the house before we realized it was just an alarm.
Only Lori could still startle us all from the grave! I think this alarm set the tone for the day to remember her sarcasm and silliness, instead of focusing on the fact that we can’t hug her anymore.
Though I miss her just as much now as I did 5 years ago, I have found myself laughing a lot more as I reflect on her, instead of crumbling into a million pieces.
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Malaya made her favorite cookies this morning. Today our family has spent hours sharing stories of some of our funniest memories with Auntie Lolo.
Tomorrow is Gabe’s birthday. For the last few years, he’s never wanted to celebrate it. But tomorrow he’s taking all the campus kids to the beach.
So thankful that God allowed me to be her sister, and I will never take for granted that last year we shared together.
