It was 4am and I found myself curled up in my bed, rocking myself back and forth, crying with the worst headache and arm pain. I don’t understand – it’s been nearly 8 days since I’ve had any major problems.
I think for the first time ever – I heard God “yell” at me. I have a friend I met this summer who tells me that God talks to her and I thought that was strange. She has this beautiful relationship with Him and it’s different than anything I’ve ever known.
I found myself overwhelmed last night – we’re heading back to Haiti September 10th and there is still no more than a few hours of power at the mission. How can I do all the work I need to do on 3 hours of power? How are we going to be able to bring in coolers of meat without any power? How are the programs going to continue to make it with such little power? My house is over-ran by roaches. Even if we did have power – would I even want to live in it?
We have to buy Christmas right now if we’re going to ship it over to make it in December. We don’t just have our five kids but we personally provide Christmas for over a dozen families. We need new cabinets for our kitchen to put on the boat. This medical emergency set us back a few thousand and my anxiety level increases as our account is going further in the hole.
There is a baby in Haiti that needs a medical visa and I’m trying to help Courtney Pierce get it and it’s stressful because I now am beginning to feel the burden that she has for her. It would break my heart if she died because we couldn’t get her help. Gigi is sleeping in HWR and we’ve never had her not in our home or with us since we took her nearly 6 years ago. We’ve got so many crates to still pack for the boat and we leave in 10 days. What if I fail at this job I’m doing now? What if I prove to be a major disappointment? What if I get back to Haiti and my health never really returns? What if I can’t ever go a year without an emergency? My cat just died (i don’t have a cat). Courtney won’t quit emailing me 100 times a day (Just kidding). My girls don’t like to wear the same outfits anymore so they match (no, not really). I’m back in Ohio surrounded by crazy people (that is actually kind of true). But you see the rippling effect of just one thing after another.
My body rejected this stress and not only did my head hurt but my arm hurt. Trying to now decide whether I should go to the ER I actually heard God tell me – STOP IT. JUST STOP IT. WHAT IS IT GOING TO TAKE FOR YOU TO GIVE ME YOUR BURDENS? WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN TO YOU BEFORE YOU REALIZE THAT I’M RIGHT HERE? YOUR BODY IS A TEMPLE AND YOU ARE DESTROYING IT. YOU CAN NOT DO THIS ON YOUR OWN. WHEN WILL YOU JUST GIVE IT TO ME – JODY – WHEN WILL YOU JUST GIVE IT TO ME? PLEASE JODY – JUST GIVE IT TO ME. UNCHAIN YOURSELF FROM YOURSELF AND JUST GIVE IT TO ME. JODY – MY YOKE IS EASY AND MY BURDEN’S LIGHT. I’M RIGHT HERE REACHING FOR YOU – JUST GRAB ONTO MY HAND AND I CAN SAVE YOU FROM YOURSELF – PLEASE JODY – LET ME HELP YOU. WHY WONT YOU LET ME HELP YOU? I’M RIGHT HERE – I’M RIGHT HERE.
I don’t think I’ve ever in my life felt God talk to me like this until today. I was already crying from pain but the tears that strolled down my face right then were not from pain. Is God talking to me? It actually felt more like He was yelling at me and it kind of scared me. I went to one of my previous blogs where Curt sings Matthew 11 – My yoke is easy and my burden’s light and the tears flowed down my cheeks again. On Sunday when I was in Cayuga, Indiana for church- the scripture used for communion was Matthew 11. I had never even heard of it before this summer and I’ve heard it over and over randomly at least 6 times since then. It’s like God keeps giving me this verse and I refuse to listen to it.
I DON’T EVEN like to be around myself for 12 hours a day – and yet I feel like God just told me I’ve been chained to myself and He wants to set me free. I feel like He just shook me and yelled – STOP IT.
I don’t know why I’m sharing this personal experience with you except I feel like He wanted me to. I don’t know if it’s to help someone else where they are right now or if He needed me to put it out there so people can help hold me accountable. All I know is after this talk with my God which lasted from the time I woke up crying in pain at 4am until about 6am when I was still crying but for different reasons – my headache and my arm pain went away and I peacefully drifted back to sleep.
Even though it seems easier to just hold onto whatever stress I carry or perhaps whatever stress you carry- I know He is yearning to take it – we just have to let go.