It’s almost 4am. I have found myself in tears the last few days (not uncommon). My spleen is enlarged and I’m in a lot of pain and the pain pills barely touch it. I thought this might be reason enough to deliver – but my doctors want me to wait at least until Friday when I’m 35 weeks. I have sharp stabbing pains in my left side- by the rib – and its just about all I can take. I’m told I need my gallbladder out after I have the babies – now trouble with my spleen – – I am nervous about all these health issues.
I thought for some reason it would be a good idea to watch a c-section online. I thought “knowing” everything would make me feel better. HUGE mistake! I can’t get some of those images out of my mind. I have found myself paralyzed with anxiety and fear.
There was a sermon I watched the other day about Fear. It talked about how paralyzing it can be and how it’s totally NOT FROM GOD. I understand all of that – but when you’re nervous – how do you get rid of it? I know I’m supposed to give it to God and not pick it back up again but how does someone really do that?
So my question to you – what do you do when you are afraid? When I’m laying on the operating table – what can I be thinking? How do you find peace? How can I clear my mind from the scariness of such a routine operation – – and concentrate on the beauty and excitement of finally meeting these little boys who’ve caused so much trouble? I realize a lot of this only I can do……. but I seem to be in a rut and I can’t get out of it.